Oh the Knee!! and Girl Scout Camp

This week was Girls Scout camp. Megan and I had a blast. It was 3 days of playing games while earning badges. Monday was hard on Megan, halfway through the day she wanted to to go home. I took her for a little walk while she cried. After a few minutes she decided that she would be okay, and would stay for the rest of the camp.  I'm glad she did because they did jumping games and she loves to jump.  Her favorite was the reverse limbo where the girls had to jump over a string, each round it would get a little higher.

Tuesday I didn't think she was going to make it through the camp. I told her that I would have to leave for about an hour while I went to get my temple recommend.  She cried all the way from her Dad's house to the school. She didn't want me to leave and she would be scared.  Thankfully some of the older Girl Scouts took Megan under their wing and she didn't even seem to notice when I left or when I came back. Since the sun was shining for the first time in a few days we took the girls outside to play some games.  I had a group of Daisies (5-7 year olds) and was practicing different ways to throw and kick a ball.  We got to the last game call Volley where the had to use different parts of the body to hit the ball.  So we used our elbows, chest and butts.  The girls thought using their butts was hilarious.  One of the girls hit the ball back to me and as I tried to reach for it I went one way and my knee went the other.  

I felt the pop but it wasn't painful.  I knew that I better be careful.  It was my bad knee that I had already had surgery on once.  We finished the day.  My knee was sore but I wasn't worried.  That night it started to swell, so I iced it but I stilled wasn't worried.  The next morning I woke up and my knee felt like it was on fire. I knew that something was wrong.  I worried all day about what I should do.  I don't have insurance, I didn't know if I should go see a doctor or go to InstaCare or the ER or just wait it out.  When my Mom came home from school she convinced me to go to the ER.  So after taking Megan to camp I went to the ER.

They took some X-Rays and poked my knee.  The doctor, who was very cute, told me that I had torn a ligament.  I would need to see an Orthopedic Surgeon on determine if I would need surgery. Until then, they put me in a knee brace and told me to stay off of it.
Now I wait to see what the surgeon says. I'm praying for NO surgery.

Back to Blogging

So I haven't been much of a Blogger lately because I have had no desire to share my life with the whole world or even my friends. I have kept mostly to myself and only talked to mostly my family about my life.  Lately I have decided that I need a place to write my thoughts and feelings. So why not just blog. This blog is only available to my friends, it's not like the whole world can read it.  So here I am.

So for anyone that is reading this and doesn't know Ryan and I are getting a divorce. We separated in December right before Christmas. That is why I moved to Logan.  Ryan was moving up here to go to school.  I really thought about staying in Provo. I had a job there, friends and a life. Other then being married to Ryan I liked my life.
But we have 2 little girls.  Their welfare is very important to me. After praying about it I felt very strongly that I needed to moved to Logan too.  That way the girls could be around their Dad and me. We won't have to do long distance traveling to trade off the girls.  My parents moved to Logan about 4 years ago and offered for me to come live with them.  Not something I wanted to do at first but I realized that it was the best option for me.

The last 5 months have been rough. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.  I have good day and bad. I have cried more in the last 5 months then I ever have.  I have really had to look inside myself to try to find out who I am.  One good thing is Ryan is a great Dad and is awesome with the girls.  I like him better when we aren't living together. We actually get along better and can be friends.  But even though the divorce hasn't been ugly or messy it still hurts.  Knowing that your marry died is very painful.
We were married in the Temple, we should have been together forever right?  I was always taught that how it works.  You fall in love, get married in the temple, have kids and live Happily Ever After. There should be warning that says "Results will vary".
I knew I was to marry Ryan.  I felt very strongly that he was the man for me. I prayed about it, I went to the temple and I just knew.  So if Heavenly Father answered my prays and told me to marry him then why did it end?  It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that question. My Dad helped when I asked him and he said this "We all have agency. We have the choice to choose how we will react to different situations. How we choose can alter the course we are on."  I love my Dad and his wisdom.  

Now I am starting the healing process. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart. I was told by my last counselor that divorce is like death. I will have to morn that death of my marriage and will go through the grief cycle.  And I am. I have felt denial, angry and depression.  I feel that I cycle between these emotions.  I know that acceptance and moving on is somewhere in that cycle. I'm looking forward to finding it. 

June 2nd was a horrible day.  I used to love June 2nd.  June 2nd, 2000 I graduated from High School.  June 2nd 2001, I met Ryan.  June 2nd 2006, I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey.  Then comes June 2nd 2010... Ryan turns in the divorce papers.  How could he pick that day?  Now it is in the official court records that our divorce was filed on June 2nd.  Why not wait until June 3rd or 4th.  Why June 2nd?   When I realized what day he turned in the papers I just lost it.  I cried for several hours.  Not that I don't want to divorce to happen,  but because it was happening.  I'm sure that there will be more tears when the divorce is final. 

Going Back to School

Today I have been officially accepted to Utah State University. I'm so excited and scared and nervous. I everything has happened so fast since I decided that is what I needed to do. I really thought if I wanted to go back to school I would have to go to a tech school. Do something that I could get done quickly. But since I moved to Logan it seems silly to go to a tech school when the University is so close. In 4 years I will have my Bachelors in Business.

Fall Pictures of Megan and Lindsey. October 2009

Ryan took the girls up Hobble Creek Canyon in Springville and took these pictures. Some of them turned out cute. Lindsey did not want to hold still. She wanted to play in the leaves or the water. Not take pictures.

Thanksgiving in Nevada

For Thanksgiving the girls and I spent 10 days in Winnemucca. Winnemucca hasn't changed much in the last 10 years. There are a few new homes and stores but not much. We stayed with my Grandparents and had Thanksgiving dinner at my Uncle James and Aunt Linda's house. It was one of the funniest vacations that I've been on. I really didn't want to come home.

Because I didn't know what the weather would be like and I don't trust my car to make it out there, we took the train. The girls thought that was the best!! I loved it because I didn't have to drive, we could get up and walk around and we didn't have to make any potty stops. We spent most of our the ride in the lounge car. There were booths with tables so the girls could color, eat and we set up my laptop so they could watch movies.

Once in Nevada we were busy. We went horseback riding, bowling and even went to Reno one day. I didn't get a chance to go see everyone that I wanted too. I guess I will need to make more trips out there.

I was glad to get to see Uncle James. (He is my Dad's brother and has brain cancer.) He was very weak and not able to walk anymore. A couple of times he was able to be in his wheelchair and come eat dinner with us. But even being in the wheelchair tires him out. One day I was at their house he was too tired to even talk. I was glad to be able to visit with him on the days he was up to it.

Megan and Lindsey were spoiled by my Grandpa and my cousins Jamie, Tiffany and Holly. Megan decided that she wants to move to Winnemucca instead of Logan. (As much as I miss Winnemucca, I think she would like Logan better.) On the train going home Megan cried for a good hour because she was afraid that she would never see anyone again. I promised her that we would make a another trip out there this spring. I'm sure that I could get my Mom to go out there with us.

And the Terrible Mommy Award Goes Too...

Friday, I felt like a terrible mommy. When I left Lindsey in an elevator!! I brought the girls to work with me so they could go trick or treating. (Every year all the departments decorate their area and the kids get to walk around and trick or treat.) We were about done and had just finished on the 3rd floor and got on the elevator and where heading to the 2nd floor.

I had been holding Lindsey's hand the whole time and right before we stopped and she let go of my hand and said she could do it herself. I told her okay. The doors open and Megan and I stepped out. As I turned around I saw the doors close and heard a Lindsey scream "MOMMY!!" I heard her crying and calling for me. But there was nothing I could do. So I felt pretty dumb for not holding the elevator door open for her until she stepped out.

I knew she could only go up to the 3rd floor or down to the 1st floor. I looked over the railing and saw some of my coworkers on the 1st floor and yelled at them to grab Lindsey if she came down. I gave it a minute and she didn't appear on the 1st floor so I knew she had to have gone to the 3rd floor. I tried to get Megan to set in the lobby and wait so I could run up stairs to get Lindsey. But Megan just started crying saying that "She didn't have a little sister anymore." "Mommy, you should have held Lindsey's hand." She was right I should have held Lindsey's hand.

Megan and I got on the elevator again and went to the 3rd floor there was Lindsey being comforted by another Mommy. She was upset with me. She kept saying, "You left me in the elevator. " "I got stuck in the elevator."

She was safe and we finished our trick or treating. I felt really bad for leaving me daughter on the elevator and feel very lucky that it was at Ancestry.com where I know almost everyone.

I'm Back!! For now...

So I haven't been keeping up on my blog. Most because I haven't had much to blog about. Or at least nothing I feel like sharing with the world. But I thought it was about time to come back.

I'm moving!! I am finally moving... I have been talking about it for several years but haven't actually done it. I'm really excited. I've put in my notice and work so it is really happening this time. I will be moving to Logan the last week of December. I'm going to be staying with my parents for while. I plan on working part time at night, I need just enough to still pay my bills. But I will be able to be with my girls during the day and actually be a mommy. That is what I'm most excited about.

This last weekend I started the packing process... I know why I've been dreading moving for so long. I went through all the boxes that we have stored in the furnace room. Mostly clothes and baby stuff that the girls have out grown. The next thing I'm dreading is packing the Toys!! It's amazing how many toys 2 little kids can have. I'm letting the girls keep out 1 or 2 things that they play with a lot but everything else is going to storage. My mom still has a lot of toys from me and my siblings. So Megan and Lindsey won't get bored.

Megan is really sad. She says that she wanted to stay in Springville. She doesn't want to leave her school. But she is excited about staying with Grandma. Last night she wanted to know if we where going to stay over at Grandma's for 100 nights. I told her it would be something like that. I know that it isn't going to be easy for her to change schools in the middle of the year but I think she will really like Logan. My Mom said that there are about 8 little girls her age in Primary. She will love that. Right now she is the only girl in a class of boys.

I don't think Lindsey will even know what is going on until it happens. And as long as she has her butterfly blanket and Lightening McQueen she will be just fine.

2 Megans

Today we went to the park for a picnic for the 4th of July. After we were done eating, the girls went to go play on the swings and slides. There was another family also at the park, who had a little girl named Megan. My Megan was so excited because she has always wanted to meet someone with her name. The 2 Megans instantly became friends. They played for about 40 minutes until the other Megan had to go home. My Megan was very sad and wanted to play with her again.

Megan wanted to have another friend to play with. I told her to go play with Lindsey. And she told me, "Lindsey isn't my friend, she is my sister." I tried to explain to her that sisters make great friends. But she didn't want to believe me. I hope she will believe me when she is older.

New Position at Work

I have a new position at Ancestry.com. I have been doing it for the last 3 weeks and I love it. I am now the Call Center's Scheduling Coordinator. I am in charge of all the Call Center agent's schedules.

Because of the last girl that was in the position, the Call Center Director has put me on a 90 day probation and won't officially announce that I got the job. But people aren't stupid most of them have figured it out. Especially since they just hired for my old position!! (Congrats BreAnn!!)

It has been really frustrating because of the way he approached me, it made me feel like I am the horrible employee. This is giving them a chance to get rid of me. My manager keeps telling me it isn't because of me but because of everything this last girl did. I figure I'll just have to do my best. If I get fired after 90 days it will give me the push I need to find a new career path.

I have been talking about moving on for several years but haven't found anything to match Ancestry.com benefits. Although I'm sure I could get paid more somewhere else, but my current insurance and stuff are awesome... So I stay.

I really love the scheduling position and feel it was a really good change for me. It gives me a chance to be out talking to people again, not just hiding in the corner. It funny how many people thought I didn't work at Ancestry anymore because they never saw me.

I've been there 5 years and counting.... They may never get rid of me.

Ain't going to bed.

Last night Lindsey did not want to got to bed. We did our whole bedtime routine and put the girls to bed. I figured she would be tired after our trip up the canyon earlier that day. But no she was ready to play. While I was in the other room, she got out of her bed and was sitting on the couch singing. It took me a minutes to realize what it was she was singing.

Here is her song:
"Ain't going to bed
No More, No More
Ain't going to bed, No More."

It was so funny that Ryan and I both cracked up laughing. I have no clue where she learned it, unfortunately for her the song didn't work. She still had to go to bed.

Goodbye Party for Grandma & Grandpa!!

In about a week my Grandparents will be moving to Virgina. Saturday we went to Green River for a goodbye party. It rained all day. So everyone was wet and cold. Lindsey was in heaven because she could play in the mud. Megan had a blast playing with all the other little girls.

We are going to miss Grandma & Grandpa... I plan on making a trip to Virginia to see them next summer. (I just haven't told Ryan!!)

Megan's 6th Birthday

Megan's 6th Birthday was May 3rd. These are some pictures of her special day. We were hoping to go to the Zoo. But it rained all weekend. So we went and saw Monster vs Aliens 3D.

Last day of School!!

Megan's Last day of Kindergarten is tomorrow!! HOLY COW! It has gone by so fast. I can't believe the school year is over. It seems like last week I was stressing about her starting school. And now it is over.

It is amazing to see how much Megan has grown up. She was so scared when she first started. I had to walk her to her class everyday. Now I just drop her off at the doors and she goes in the building all by herself. She has so much more self confidences. I'm so proud to be her mom and see the change.

I am looking forward to the summer but I wish that I was able to be home more.

Chuck E Cheese

We had a bean reward system for Megan. When she is good is puts a bean in a baby food jar. When she is naughty we take a bean out. When the jar is full she gets to go do something fun. She wanted our family to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
So last night we had dinner at Chuck E. Cheese!! It is the first time I have been to a Chuck E. Cheese since I worked at the Chuck E. Cheese in Boise. That was 7 years ago. But the Orem Chuck E. Cheese is pretty much the same as the one in Boise. And I remembered why I didn't like the pizza.

The girls had a lot of fun!! Megan loved the ceiling tunnels and slides. Lindsey loved the little rides. I had a coupon that gave us 160 tokens. It took us over 2 hours to spend all the tokens. Ryan did really well winning tickets for the girls to spend. It's been awhile since we have had a family outing like that. I just wish that I would have brought my camera!!

Lindsey's Birthday

We went to Logan for Lindsey's 2nd Birthday. These are pictures from the party with had with Ryan's family. My brother-in-law Alex and Lindsey have the same birthday so we had a combine birthday party.

Christmas Pictures

Promise... We are all still alive!!

Everyone has been asking me if everything is okay because I haven't update my blog since November!!

YES!! Everything is okay. Life has been so busy that I haven't been able to update my blog. After spending all day in front of a computer at work the last thing I want to do is set down at a computer at home.

I have some pictures of Christmas and Lindsey's birthday that I will have up soon!!

The Cold Bug!!

Our family has been hit by the cold bug. Megan had a fever and a bad cough so I kept her home from school on Friday. She was so upset about not going to school. You would have thought I told her she wasn't getting any presents for Christmas. I can only hope that she keeps that desire to go to school. I know... it is wishful thinking.

Today she isn't doing much better. She has started to loss her voice. She said she doesn't like having a "boy" voice. Lindsey now has a fever and a cough. Ryan said that he has a headache and I am getting a sore throat.

I really hope that the colds don't last too long!!

Pic Tag

Here are the rules:
1. Go to your pictures
2. Upload the fourth picture from the fourth file
3. Post
4. Tag four friends


This is the 4th picture in my 4th folder. Ryan took this picture from Nebo Loop looking down on Utah County. I love this picture!! He got some awesome pictures that day.

I've tagged Amber, Amanda, Andrea and Audrey!!

Week in Review

Monday was mine and Ryan's 7th anniversary. Whoo Hoo!! We made it 7 years. It amazing how fast it has gone. We were able to celebrate by going to dinner. It was great to finally be able to go out on a date. It been too long since we have gone anywhere without our kids.

Wednesday Megan and Lindsey was playing outside in the leaves. I was kitchen and had the kitchen windows open so I could hear them. It wasn't long before I heard a horrible "THUD", followed by Lindsey screaming. I ran outside to see Lindsey had blood running down her face. She had fallen off our back porch. Once I got her cleaned up it wasn't as bad as it first looked. She does have a good scrap on her head. Ryan thinks I am a little morbid that 1 I took pictures after I got her cleaned up and bathed. 2 because I'm posting the pictures for everyone to see.

Thursday I went to a gastroenterologist (I'm not sure I spelled that right.) about the pain in my stomach. He is the same doctor that did my scope. After reviewing all my lab work, CT scans and talking to me, he says he is about 70% sure that I have a stone that got left behind when they took out my gallbladder. Other possibilities is I have scar tissue from the gallbladder surgery that has become inflamed (There is nothing they can do about that, except medication.) or I have an infection in the area where my gallbladder used to be. He did reassure me that I don't have cancer!! Yeah!! And my gallbladder didn't grow back. I have to have a MRI done on Wednesday to look for any stones.

Friday while I was doing laundry Megan put Lindsey into one of my clothes hampers. I didn't realize Lindsey was in the hamper until I noticed the her hand opening up the lid. I thought I was funny that I had to grab the camera.


Today, Sunday was bitter-sweet. I have been the Primary Secretary for 2 years and today our presidency was released. Part of me was so happy. It was very stressful trying to do my calling while I have been sick and the president has been doing a lot of my work. I will miss the children as well as the presidency I was in.
It was also our wards primary program. Since I was in the Presidency I sat on the front pew so I could help the music leader. Megan did an awesome job with her part. I was very proud of her. She was on the front row and was setting by one of her friends. About half way into Sacrament meeting they started talking. Most of the ward thought they were funny when they started comparing their height. Lindsey was a normal 2 year old and reminded me why I always set in a side pew. Our Home teacher and his family where setting near us, they have a little girl about Lindsey's age. I saw Lindsey walk over and hand the little girl a pencil, I watched as her parents cracked up laughing. Lindsey comes back over to me as happy as pie carrying a baggie of Cheerios. She had traded her pencil for Cheerios. It took all I had to not laugh out loud.