Oh the Knee!! and Girl Scout Camp

This week was Girls Scout camp. Megan and I had a blast. It was 3 days of playing games while earning badges. Monday was hard on Megan, halfway through the day she wanted to to go home. I took her for a little walk while she cried. After a few minutes she decided that she would be okay, and would stay for the rest of the camp.  I'm glad she did because they did jumping games and she loves to jump.  Her favorite was the reverse limbo where the girls had to jump over a string, each round it would get a little higher.

Tuesday I didn't think she was going to make it through the camp. I told her that I would have to leave for about an hour while I went to get my temple recommend.  She cried all the way from her Dad's house to the school. She didn't want me to leave and she would be scared.  Thankfully some of the older Girl Scouts took Megan under their wing and she didn't even seem to notice when I left or when I came back. Since the sun was shining for the first time in a few days we took the girls outside to play some games.  I had a group of Daisies (5-7 year olds) and was practicing different ways to throw and kick a ball.  We got to the last game call Volley where the had to use different parts of the body to hit the ball.  So we used our elbows, chest and butts.  The girls thought using their butts was hilarious.  One of the girls hit the ball back to me and as I tried to reach for it I went one way and my knee went the other.  

I felt the pop but it wasn't painful.  I knew that I better be careful.  It was my bad knee that I had already had surgery on once.  We finished the day.  My knee was sore but I wasn't worried.  That night it started to swell, so I iced it but I stilled wasn't worried.  The next morning I woke up and my knee felt like it was on fire. I knew that something was wrong.  I worried all day about what I should do.  I don't have insurance, I didn't know if I should go see a doctor or go to InstaCare or the ER or just wait it out.  When my Mom came home from school she convinced me to go to the ER.  So after taking Megan to camp I went to the ER.

They took some X-Rays and poked my knee.  The doctor, who was very cute, told me that I had torn a ligament.  I would need to see an Orthopedic Surgeon on determine if I would need surgery. Until then, they put me in a knee brace and told me to stay off of it.
Now I wait to see what the surgeon says. I'm praying for NO surgery.

Back to Blogging

So I haven't been much of a Blogger lately because I have had no desire to share my life with the whole world or even my friends. I have kept mostly to myself and only talked to mostly my family about my life.  Lately I have decided that I need a place to write my thoughts and feelings. So why not just blog. This blog is only available to my friends, it's not like the whole world can read it.  So here I am.

So for anyone that is reading this and doesn't know Ryan and I are getting a divorce. We separated in December right before Christmas. That is why I moved to Logan.  Ryan was moving up here to go to school.  I really thought about staying in Provo. I had a job there, friends and a life. Other then being married to Ryan I liked my life.
But we have 2 little girls.  Their welfare is very important to me. After praying about it I felt very strongly that I needed to moved to Logan too.  That way the girls could be around their Dad and me. We won't have to do long distance traveling to trade off the girls.  My parents moved to Logan about 4 years ago and offered for me to come live with them.  Not something I wanted to do at first but I realized that it was the best option for me.

The last 5 months have been rough. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.  I have good day and bad. I have cried more in the last 5 months then I ever have.  I have really had to look inside myself to try to find out who I am.  One good thing is Ryan is a great Dad and is awesome with the girls.  I like him better when we aren't living together. We actually get along better and can be friends.  But even though the divorce hasn't been ugly or messy it still hurts.  Knowing that your marry died is very painful.
We were married in the Temple, we should have been together forever right?  I was always taught that how it works.  You fall in love, get married in the temple, have kids and live Happily Ever After. There should be warning that says "Results will vary".
I knew I was to marry Ryan.  I felt very strongly that he was the man for me. I prayed about it, I went to the temple and I just knew.  So if Heavenly Father answered my prays and told me to marry him then why did it end?  It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that question. My Dad helped when I asked him and he said this "We all have agency. We have the choice to choose how we will react to different situations. How we choose can alter the course we are on."  I love my Dad and his wisdom.  

Now I am starting the healing process. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart. I was told by my last counselor that divorce is like death. I will have to morn that death of my marriage and will go through the grief cycle.  And I am. I have felt denial, angry and depression.  I feel that I cycle between these emotions.  I know that acceptance and moving on is somewhere in that cycle. I'm looking forward to finding it. 

June 2nd was a horrible day.  I used to love June 2nd.  June 2nd, 2000 I graduated from High School.  June 2nd 2001, I met Ryan.  June 2nd 2006, I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey.  Then comes June 2nd 2010... Ryan turns in the divorce papers.  How could he pick that day?  Now it is in the official court records that our divorce was filed on June 2nd.  Why not wait until June 3rd or 4th.  Why June 2nd?   When I realized what day he turned in the papers I just lost it.  I cried for several hours.  Not that I don't want to divorce to happen,  but because it was happening.  I'm sure that there will be more tears when the divorce is final. 

Going Back to School

Today I have been officially accepted to Utah State University. I'm so excited and scared and nervous. I everything has happened so fast since I decided that is what I needed to do. I really thought if I wanted to go back to school I would have to go to a tech school. Do something that I could get done quickly. But since I moved to Logan it seems silly to go to a tech school when the University is so close. In 4 years I will have my Bachelors in Business.