Back to Blogging

So I haven't been much of a Blogger lately because I have had no desire to share my life with the whole world or even my friends. I have kept mostly to myself and only talked to mostly my family about my life.  Lately I have decided that I need a place to write my thoughts and feelings. So why not just blog. This blog is only available to my friends, it's not like the whole world can read it.  So here I am.

So for anyone that is reading this and doesn't know Ryan and I are getting a divorce. We separated in December right before Christmas. That is why I moved to Logan.  Ryan was moving up here to go to school.  I really thought about staying in Provo. I had a job there, friends and a life. Other then being married to Ryan I liked my life.
But we have 2 little girls.  Their welfare is very important to me. After praying about it I felt very strongly that I needed to moved to Logan too.  That way the girls could be around their Dad and me. We won't have to do long distance traveling to trade off the girls.  My parents moved to Logan about 4 years ago and offered for me to come live with them.  Not something I wanted to do at first but I realized that it was the best option for me.

The last 5 months have been rough. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.  I have good day and bad. I have cried more in the last 5 months then I ever have.  I have really had to look inside myself to try to find out who I am.  One good thing is Ryan is a great Dad and is awesome with the girls.  I like him better when we aren't living together. We actually get along better and can be friends.  But even though the divorce hasn't been ugly or messy it still hurts.  Knowing that your marry died is very painful.
We were married in the Temple, we should have been together forever right?  I was always taught that how it works.  You fall in love, get married in the temple, have kids and live Happily Ever After. There should be warning that says "Results will vary".
I knew I was to marry Ryan.  I felt very strongly that he was the man for me. I prayed about it, I went to the temple and I just knew.  So if Heavenly Father answered my prays and told me to marry him then why did it end?  It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that question. My Dad helped when I asked him and he said this "We all have agency. We have the choice to choose how we will react to different situations. How we choose can alter the course we are on."  I love my Dad and his wisdom.  

Now I am starting the healing process. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart. I was told by my last counselor that divorce is like death. I will have to morn that death of my marriage and will go through the grief cycle.  And I am. I have felt denial, angry and depression.  I feel that I cycle between these emotions.  I know that acceptance and moving on is somewhere in that cycle. I'm looking forward to finding it. 

June 2nd was a horrible day.  I used to love June 2nd.  June 2nd, 2000 I graduated from High School.  June 2nd 2001, I met Ryan.  June 2nd 2006, I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey.  Then comes June 2nd 2010... Ryan turns in the divorce papers.  How could he pick that day?  Now it is in the official court records that our divorce was filed on June 2nd.  Why not wait until June 3rd or 4th.  Why June 2nd?   When I realized what day he turned in the papers I just lost it.  I cried for several hours.  Not that I don't want to divorce to happen,  but because it was happening.  I'm sure that there will be more tears when the divorce is final.